Its been a week since I keep thinking about Johnathan and I wonder why. I still remember my bad experience in relationships that I had. My high school sweetheart, who was my first kiss whom turned out to be a gay and my ex-husband whom cheated on me. I was 23 at the time when I met him and married a year after; we was madly in love. Sam was a great man. We both was young, energetic and “sex” was the main reason which kept us apart. He wanted to try all the intimacies stunts which shown in a magazines but I wasn’t ready at that moment because I felt, its weird, yet all of my friends said it is “normal”. And they wished to have a man who able to do so with them. Which I think, its still weird. We was that couple who never took any matter seriously until I got pregnant. I was happy back then. I was so excited to built a family. I was in love with the baby in my womb. Sam and I planned out things, baby’s room decoration to clothes to toys to names. I even decide the name. After 12 weeks of pregnancy, doctor advice us to do an ultrasound to check the baby’s condition. Me and Sam wasn’t expecting this was coming and doctor told us that we were expecting twins. I was speechless and the love in Sam’s eyes was unconditionally. We even cried. We straight went back home and gave the happy news to our family. Oh!! that day was unforgettable!! Two days later, Sam told me that he is going out with his friends for a dinner and he will be late and not to wait for him. As usual, I never ask him which friend of his because the trust I have in him. That night, I had a pain in my stomach which doctor said its normal but yet, I was afraid. I call Sam and by mistakenly he answered my call, all I heard was; “Babe, you are so good!!” That’s it, I was shattered and I had miscarriage on that night. I was dead inside. My babies as gone forever and my husband cheated when the time I needed him the most. My parents, his parents and my friends blamed me for the miscarriage which Sam knew, it was his fault for not being there that night. He regret it until these days. The only person who stood for me was, Tasha. She was my little sister back then but she stood for me and helped me out to get rid all of the bad memory and sadness. That’s the reason why, I always stand for her no matter what. She was 18 at that time and went the time we move out from our parents I was almost recovering from the pain. Time flies so fast and its almost 9 years since that incident happened. She even didn’t get a chance to feel the college life as I was broke at that time. We struggled for almost 3 years, we even slept on the street but we didn’t gave up. We starve to dead sometimes and even to freeze. Our life changed when I meet, Maria who used to own a jewelry shop beside of the cafe. She helped us, she gave us a job even though she pay us less, we need money to survive. Our parents didn’t even try to find us. At that moment, myself and Tasha promised to each other that we will never look back to our past life and we will build our future. On the 6th year working with Maria, she decided to close her shop as business was slow. I don’t know whether its faith or god helped us, cafe 1987 was newly opened and they needed waitress. Again Maria, helped us getting the job. We owe Maria more than we owe our parents. Since the day, me and Tasha started working at the cafe, our life changed. The salary was higher and we moved to a better condominium. Few months later, Tasha got a call from the outfit store and she joined there as she always has interest in clothes. Sometimes I wonder, where life took us to where. After all these struggle, I decided that I don’t need man to spend on me or to take care of me which I’ve done and do and can by myself. Its raining outside and the cold wind blows at my house’s balcony makes me think, why am I thinking about him when I wasn’t supposed to?
I went inside and make myself a cup of coffee to relax my mental and distracted heart. “Jas, you and drinking coffee? There must me some thinking going out, right now. Talk to me!!” Tasha knows me very well, each time I drink coffee means my mind is not stable. “When I was helping you out with Bel, a guy was observing it and when you guys walked out, he came and…and he called me Miss Cupid and I burst out with him because he called you my friend and guess what, he have all that George Clooney’s criteria!!!” I murmured. Tasha got excited and start to blabbering, “OMG! You burst out!! Are you out of your mind?? And by the way, did you get his name?” With a big breath release I said “His name is Johnathan Drew Evans. Yes!! Mr and Mrs Evans son!!” Tasha got silent for second and she look shocked. “You burst out with him!! You are so dead!! Sista!!” Tasha said. “But no one called and its been a week since that incident so I think there’s no problem!” Even though I’m not sure about it but I was cool. “And you had a crush on him?” said Tasha. “I..I..I did not had a crush on him not after what happened!” I said it with no sure of what to say. All Tasha told me was, “Don’t tell me you wanted to die alone? Look here Jas, that incident can happen to anyone but that doesn’t mean you stop living which its obvious you survived. Even I been through all the struggles with you but I moved on and I think you should too!! Life is more than that, cease it! I love you so much but I’m angry with you on the same time because you thought me, how to live life but that lesson didn’t apply in you. Jas, just decide and be happy. I’m going to bed now and hey, I wished I wasn’t a lesbian if not I would have kissed and make out with him on the spot, like french style. You’re dumb. Sweet dreams!!” Typical Tasha but every word she said was true. I think its time for me to move on, but how? How can I depend that he had a crush on me at the same time too? And how should I over the past when I’m not even 100% ready to move on and what makes Tasha think that, I won’t go through the same thing, again? Am I taking the right step? I wished it was easy to forget the past!! I think, I can’t make a move because I’m stick on my past more than my future!! And I have to let go of this feeling which never meant to be!!
**By live4write(rkc)–posted from WordPress **
Copyright © 2016 by Radha.K Chettri
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher at the address below.